The Restorative Practice of Apologizing

Many of us think that if we need to apologize it must mean we’ve done something bad, and if we’ve done something bad, then maybe that means we are bad. But that is not the case. It is brave to apologize. Apologizing is a way to honor someone else’s feelings and needs separate from our own.

So what keeps us from apologizing?

We don’t have to think that we’ve done anything wrong to harm people. We may have the best intentions and still cause harm. It may be the way we said something, or the timing of a particular action that causes the hurt. We have to own that.

All that being said, don’t force an apology. An apology needs to come from a sincere and genuine place, even with children. We shouldn’t tell them “You need to apologize,” because then we’re teaching them how to deliver an inauthentic apology. We want genuine apologies that come from a place of empathy and understanding.

When we are ready to deliver an authentic apology we do that by saying, “I apologize for _____.” We don’t apologize for how someone felt. We don’t apologize by telling them they misunderstood. We can’t tell people how to feel about what was done to them. We don’t talk to people about what our intentions were.

We don’t qualify the apology or place conditions around it. We say, “I am sorry for _____.” Full stop. And to truly apologize, in addition to saying these words, we need to correct our behavior moving forward.

Authentic apologies are a really beautiful way to restore and connect with people.

Reflect on a situation where you were resistant to deliver an apology and consider these questions:

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