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Faux Positivity Will Get You Nowhere

Why we need to give ourselves space to feel what we feel, even when it’s not positive

Nedra Tawwab

3 May
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There is this misconception that if we are having negative thoughts the best way to combat them is to turn them off and turn on happy, positive thoughts. We think that drowning out our negative thoughts will make us feel better, but this completely skips over the truth of what we’re feeling.

Telling ourselves that we are eating lobster when we are in fact eating ramen noodles will not make it so. Just because you want to feel a certain way, does not make the other feelings go away. They are still there waiting to be dealt with.

It is ok to talk ourselves through challenging situations with positive statements, but we can do that while still acknowledging that we’re upset. Positive thinking is great when it is authentic, but when we are forcing it, and we actually feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, or angry, it prolongs our time with those uncomfortable emotions. We don’t need to drown out how we’re feeling with faux positivity.

We force ourselves to bypass emotions we consider negative because we have been told that we shouldn’t think like that, that we shouldn’t be negative. But sometimes negativity is required. Sometimes the negativity is the truth.

Right after we’ve been fired from a job, or lost someone close to us, or ended a relationship, we don’t need to immediately put a positive spin on it. We don’t have to ignore how we’re feeling and make a list for ourselves of all the ways that what happened is actually a good thing. It’s ok to just feel like it sucks for a while.

Forcing positivity is actually a way of denying emotions that we need to feel, and that is not a healthy strategy. We need to allow ourselves the grace to feel all of our emotions, whether they are positive or negative.

Journal Prompts

  • What emotions do you perceive as negative?

  • Is it challenging for you to feel negative emotions?

  • How do you cope when you feel things that you find challenging?

Read

  • Toxic Positivity: Keeping it Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy, by Whitney Goodman. It is available on Amazon and Bookshop.

Watch

How to manage pandemic stress? Watch my chat with the hosts of CBS Mornings.

I hope you’re enjoying the Nedra Nuggets newsletter! Please share in the comments how this article resonated with you.

Disclaimer: I receive commissions for purchases made through links for Amazon and Bookshop.

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Comments
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10 comments

  • Rachel Lindsay Abasolo
    Writes Honestly, Rach
    Thank you for this!!! Often people say, just be positive when in actuality you have to acknowledge that things are not. So spot on!
    • 3 w
  • JayJay Lebeau
    This then begs the question of DBT. There is a coping mechanism that allows for such things as this. I wonder if this will then change or refute that DBT coping mechanism. Interesting and definitely food for thought.
    • 2 w
  • Tiffany Johnstone
    The journal prompt in this newsletter really helped me realize that I am not comfortable with negative emotions because my parents weren’t. So I am now separating my own beliefs from theirs and realizing that my negative emotions are valid and okay to …
    See more
    • 2 w
  • Unka Funnie
    "At some point life shits on everybody. To say it isn't shit is stupidity, not optimism." - From Shit My Dad Says.
    This has always been my philosophy and a constant matter of contention between me and my more conformist compatriots. I've shared the lin…
    See more
    • 2 w
  • Ej Warren
    Awesome!!! “That’s not lobster…..it’s Ramen”. 🔥💪🏾
    • 3 w
    1 reply
  • Jillann Bolshaw
    So true! As a young adult, “thinking positive” had me (and everyone else) convinced there was nothing really wrong with me. (Well, other than that I was suicidal, of course, but there’s nothing really WRONG with that, right? As long as you don’t tal…
    See more
    2
    • 3 w
  • Ruth Klein
    Thank you for this!
    2
    • 3 w
  • Jerica W. Saddler
    Appreciate this one!
    2
    • 3 w
  • Michele Walsh
    I would like to know how Dr. Amen addresses toxic positivity. I though this was spot on! I know someone who thinks the devil is working inside her when she has negative thoughts.
    • 3 w
    • Edited
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