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Holding Space For Our Feelings and the Feelings of Others:

Recognizing what we need and what we are able to provide.

Nedra Tawwab

18 Jan
12

Sometimes we feel uncomfortable when people express their feelings. As a result, we use minimizing statements like, “Everything will be ok,” “It’s not that bad,” “Everything happens for a reason.” We say these things in an effort to get people to feel better, but in the process of doing that, we facilitate them feeling worse. We create a situation where they don’t feel supported in these vulnerable moments.

So, how do we make space for people to talk about things?

  • Listen and don’t try to solve the issue. Most people just want to be heard.

  • If it seems like the person does need some help with problem solving, ask questions like “What are you thinking about doing?” “What do you think is the best way forward?” Help the person talk their way through whatever is bothering them.

  • Recognize that it’s not your job to relieve people of their discomfort. This can take a lot of the pressure off when someone is sharing their feelings with you. When you believe it is your job to make the person feel better, it can be overwhelming.

  • Guide people to other resources. If you feel like you are not able to be the support the person needs, let them know, and suggest they seek a higher level of care.

As people who may need to vent, or who might need a listening ear, we must also take some responsibility and understand that people may not always have the capacity to hold space for our feelings. When we are going through things, we need to keep in mind:

  • What do the people in your life have on their plate? What are they going through? Do they have the bandwidth to take on your feelings? It’s possible that given their current circumstances, they are unable to process what you have to share, or lend a sympathetic ear.

  • Who are you venting to? We know who the people in our lives are and who they are not. Most people share information based on the person’s relationship to them, for example, because the person is their mom, dad, sister, brother, partner, or best friend. However, this does not take into consideration how the person will respond. Some people are not emotionally available during tough moments.

Journal Prompts

  • What makes you feel heard when you’re sharing your feelings to people?

  • What conversations are difficult for you to hold space for?

Read

  • 5 Tools to Cope With Anxiety When Therapy Isn’t An Option, by Brooke LaMantia on The Cut.

Watch and Listen

  • The Shrink Next Door. This is both a podcast and a TV show, and it is wild. Please don’t hold what you see against the entire profession of therapists. Most of us are not like this, and please do not let it deter you from therapy. This show is an entertaining, cautionary tale. No matter who a person is to us, we don’t always need to take their advice. Even if it's our therapist. We must ultimately decide what we think is best for us. You can listen to the show wherever you stream podcasts and watch it on Apple TV+.

I hope you’re enjoying the Nedra Nuggets newsletter! Please share in the comments how this article resonated with you.

Disclaimer: I receive commissions for purchases made through links for Amazon and Bookshop.

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Comments
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12 comments

  • Rachel Lindsay Abasolo
    Writes Honestly, Rach
    Hi Nedra! I just discovered your bulletin and I am LOVING this! Such a positive space to learn and grow. One of the best tips I ever received was to "Just Listen". Show up and listen! Thank you for sharing!
    • 18 w
  • Liza Love
    I love the input for accountability/responsibility for both the person who is trying to take space and comfort someone and the person is needs comforting or a listening ear from someone. Both must consider and choose wisely on what’s best. I’ve learned…
    See more
    • 18 w
  • Afia S. Fraser
    Great article! I’m learning this especially with my dsughter to ask questions after she discusses an issue because I am that person and trying to be better.
    • 18 w
  • Top fan
    Kay Cowen Stutes
    I real like your journal prompts on this one. Even if I don’t journal, I am at least pausing and thinking about the answers.
    • 18 w
  • Nakia Fleming
    These nuggets are always welcome. Even if it's not my current situation, I can add it to my toolbox for mental health!
    • 18 w
    • Author
      Nedra Tawwab
      Absolutely! There is a good chance that you may need to show up for a loved one by just providing space or let them know that this is what you need from them. A lot of us are naturally inclined to want to fix things and alleviate other people's problems.
      • 18 w
  • Tawanna Hudson
    I like the fact that when I read these nuggets, there is always something I have experienced or am experiencing. This also resonates and a reminder, that I don't always have to solve other issues and can listen and not give feedback unless prompted. …
    See more
    • 18 w
    • Author
      Nedra Tawwab
      Exactly. Sometimes people are just coming to us for a safe space to share and not for a solution. We may miss the opportunity to support them in the way they need if we just focus on finding a solution.
      • 18 w
  • Ronisha Levy
    This article was necessary in a situation I’m in right now. Thank you for this nugget. I can use this to become better at the situation
    • 18 w
    • Author
      Nedra Tawwab
      You are welcome! Happy to help!
      • 18 w
  • Top fan
    Deedy Boo
    I am enjoying the heck out of the newsletters!! I have been on both sides of this coin feeling more isolated than when I went in after comments as such were made AND unconsciously moving right in to try to fix people's problems. With these nuggets I ca…
    See more
    • 18 w
    • Author
      Nedra Tawwab
      I enjoy being able to talk about topics in a deeper format. Thanks so much!
      • 18 w
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