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How to Keep Yourself From Being Passive-Aggressive

Proactive steps to prevent yourself from falling into passive-aggression

Nedra Tawwab

Jun 7
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Passive aggression comes from a space of anger, and frustration. It can be triggered when we feel as though someone has taken advantage of us, or by sadness or hurt. It is wrapped up in a lot of emotions. Many of us behave in a passive-aggressive manner because we feel (real or imagined) that we can’t be honest and say what we feel.

This belief results in us protecting ourselves by trying to express ourselves without expressing ourselves. For example, we try to show that we’re frustrated without explicitly saying we’re frustrated. It’s this delicate balance of wanting people to know we’re upset, but feeling like they can’t really know we’re upset.

We can prevent ourselves from being passive-aggressive by speaking up. Here are some tips:

  • Try not to use words like “always,” and “every time,” just focus on that moment. You can say, “I was trying to say something, and you cut me off. Can I finish what I need to say?” or “It sounds like you’re trying to be helpful, but you’re telling me what to do. I need to listen to myself in this situation.”

  • Even if you don’t know exactly how to explain what you’re feeling, you can say, “Oh, I didn’t like that.” or “Something about that made me feel off.”

  • Remember that when you say something you end up feeling less like you have betrayed yourself by keeping quiet.

  • Recognize that folks may not realize they’re offending you prior to you telling them. We all have different humor and different pain points. They may need you to say, “Jokes like that aren’t funny to me.”

  • Be honest about what works for you. Speak your truth even if the person receiving it may not understand it. If the person is insisting that everyone else loves their jokes but you don’t, that’s ok. Let them know that’s just not your brand of humor.

  • Take preventative measures where appropriate. If you know you are going to have an interaction with someone that has the potential to trigger your frustration, you can warn them beforehand. For instance, if you are going to the library with a friend who is always loud and that bothers you, you can say, “Hey, we’re about to go into the library, remember to keep your voice down.” Prevent your irritation where you can.

If you notice yourself continuously annoyed by something, it is better to say something than to bottle up your feelings and end up having a passive-aggressive episode.

Journal Prompts

  • How comfortable are you with telling people that their behavior is frustrating for you? If doing so makes you uncomfortable, what is the root of your discomfort?

  • How do you feel about being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior?

Read

  • 3 Steps to Bring Up An Issue In Your Relationship Without Starting a Fight, by Rachel Wright, LMFT, in Mind Body Green.

  • My Daughter’s Boundaries Are Preventing Us From Having a Relationship, by Lori Gottlieb

Watch

  • We Own This City. This show comes from the creators of The Wire. It’s a cop drama about some really shady police officers. I love cop dramas and I am really enjoying this one. You can watch it on HBO.

Do you have trouble telling people when you are frustrated by their behavior? What prompts you to behave in a passive-aggressive manner? Tell me about it in the comments!

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6 Comments

  • Linda Stockton
    My 16 year grandson recently began asking questions as his mother (my daughter) tried to explain passive-aggressive to him. Opened my eyes to this area. Use to asking for help but never getting it …. now I get it! Not Ever “officially “ asked for help…
    See more
    • 2w
  • Kristen Sargis
    Conflict is hard! I struggle letting others know when I'm frustrated with their behavior, and find myself being passive aggressive and immediately defensive when my behavior is criticized at work... I'm sure it comes from my own insecurities.
    • 2w
  • Ana Gabriella Roybal
    It has been only within the last few months I’ve been able to step into my voice and be forward rather than passive aggressive. I used to be so frustrated and use the words “always“ or “every time” when I thought I was expressing my needs, only to real…
    See more
    • 2w
  • Alisa Hendrickson Rasheed
    I work with a person who has been bullying me often. I have tried stating my boundaries, but they are not respected. I cannot avoid this person and I feel as though I am daily having to face my bully and be the bigger person. This has been emotionally…
    See more
    • 2w
    1 Reply
  • Audacious Hope
    I was always the person to speak up, but it eventually felt like speaking up only got me rejected. This I found was difficult and so I eventually just remained silent. How do you balance this?
    • 2w
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