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People Don’t Always Want to Know What You Think:

Why we need to be careful about giving people unsolicited advice

Nedra Tawwab

8 Feb
11

Early in college a friend of mine came over and said, “I don’t like your shirt.” I didn’t care that she felt that way because she and I didn’t have the same style, but I wondered why she felt the need to say that to me. Sometimes we share our opinions with others without them asking, and without considering whether what we’re sharing is thoughtful, kind, or even necessary.

We don’t have to tell people how we think they should be living their lives. When I go shopping, I don’t like everything in the store. That being said, I don’t leave the store thinking, “They’ll never sell any of this stuff!” Just because I didn’t like it, doesn’t mean no one will. I’m sure someone else will buy the things I wasn’t interested in because we’re all different. Our way is not always the best way. We are all out here practicing, doing the best we can.

So, before you offer feedback, consider who you’re speaking to, and the relationship you have with that person.

When someone is interested in receiving advice from you they:

  • Tell you they appreciate it

  • Ask you for advice on a number of occasions

  • Share how they applied the advice you gave them

On the other hand, these behaviors would indicate that someone is not interested in or receptive to your advice:

  • The person has told you they don’t want your advice

  • There is no engagement when you offer advice, instead you are met with silence

  • When you offer advice there is no adherence to what you have shared

We need to take the time to think about whether what we’re about to share is actually of value, and not just us imposing what we would do on someone else. This is not to say we can’t ever give anyone advice, but we have to discern when it is appropriate. There are some relationships where there is a reciprocal giving and receiving of advice, where that is welcomed and appreciated, but that is not every relationship.

Journal Prompts

  • Who do you go to for advice? What makes you receptive to advice from these people?

  • How do you handle unsolicited advice?

  • When do you feel the need to offer advice even when it hasn’t been requested?

Read

  • The Psychology of Imposter Syndrome & How to Actually Overcome It, by Carissa Begonia on Mind Body Green.

  • 6 Little Ways to Nurture Your Relationship in 2022, From Marriage Therapists, by Kelly Gonsalves on Mind Body Green.

Watch

  • The Eyes of Tammy Faye. I love biopics and this is a really good one about the rise and fall of the televangelist empire that Tammy Faye and her husband built. I didn’t grow up knowing who Tammy Faye was but after watching this movie I went down a whole rabbit hole trying to learn more about her. You can watch the movie on HBO.

  • I appeared on The Breakfast Club last week in case you missed it. You can watch my interview on YouTube or listen here.

I hope you’re enjoying the Nedra Nuggets newsletter! Please share in the comments how this article resonated with you.

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11 comments

  • ShaRonda L Foster
    Oh this is good, Nedra! A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine posted on her Facebook, “If a friend leaves her house in an ugly dress to attend a party, will you tell her”? And my response was, “Of course not, because if I think the dress is ugly, th…
    See more
    • 15 w
    • Author
      Nedra Tawwab
      Exactly! Who says friendship has to be based on similar taste in fashion. If we dismissed everyone who didn't have the same fashion preferences as us we would be missing out on a lot of great people. If that same friend came to you and said "I really …
      See more
      • 15 w
  • Diane Keller
    This really hits home. My adult daughter lives with me and my husband and she’s trying to get her life in order but when I see her doing something that I think / “ know” will not be good, I start giving advice. The problem is- if you haven’t guessed- …
    See more
    2
    • 15 w
    • Author
      Nedra Tawwab
      Allowing for those opportunities to develop organically where your adult child asks for your advice can be hard as a parent but beneficial to the relationship. It's so not what you are used to as a parent. Trying to be just the listening ear and lettin…
      See more
      • 15 w
  • Cynthia Hillian
    I am very guilty of this. I'm learning why I give unsolicited advice. And am also learning to change that behavior. Pause and think.. was my advice even asked for?? Always enjoy you.. And enjoyed the Breakfast club interview.
    • 15 w
    • Author
      Nedra Tawwab
      Many of us tend to be solution oriented whenever we are presented with a problem, even when it's someone else's problem. Knowing whether or not our advice is desired should be taken into consideration as well before we speak. Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!
      • 15 w
  • Joanne Thanos
    Love this! The part that hit home was when people ask for your advice and don’t use it. I’ve started putting up boundaries for one person who constantly asks for advice and doesn’t use it.
    • 15 w
  • Kristine Koenig
    The title of this article Reminds me of Dr. Rick in the “Insurance “ commercials for the company that begins with a “P” 😂😂😂😂
    • 15 w
  • Jessica Faust
    I am guilty of this as well! Usually, I've already given the advice so what I'm trying to do is ask: "Would you like my input or should I just listen?".
    I've noticed in myself that talking about something out loud actually helps in understanding ourse…
    See more
    • 14 w
  • Top fan
    Maureen Finney
    This is golden and very near and dear to my heart. Anyone giving me unsolicited advice really hits my hot button. I’d love to learn how to set boundaries around this without snapping someone’s head off.
    After many years of working on myself, I sudde…
    See more
    • 15 w
  • Trishann Henriques
    Thanks for this Nedra. I used to be guilty of this but I am trying to be self-aware now. Because I do believe that people do what is best for them.
    That being said, I am having some issues with friends giving me unsolisiticed advice on a past relatio…
    See more
    • 15 w
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